I can’t believe there was once a time in my life where I really believed I was fine and it really was the rest of the world that was mad.
Ok. I’m not mad, but I now understand quite how many layers I’ve been wearing and believed were really me, until they caused such a challenge in my life, the only way through was to go through (and underneath) them.
Through the layers, through the challenge, through the eeeeuuuuuchhh feeling to the tiny, young, seemingly-fragile parts of me that had remained buried and in pain, because they didn’t understand what was happening. Only to create huge personas to cover the pain, yet create such division between herself and others, the only way forwards seemed to be to live in isolation.
Not fun.
Enter what seemed to be a million ways to skin a cat, or to bring healing to oneself, to be more precise.
Enter: EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique), journalling, Peace Process (the miracle healing method my coaching teacher and once in a life time guru Christian Mickelson taught me), Vipassana meditation, loving all the parts, asking my guides for help, Angelic Vortex Healing (soon to be released healing modality written by me), guided meditations to see soul parts…
And that’s aside from my normal morning yoga and deep breathing routine.
Phew!
There was once a time I worried I’d never learn enough healing techniques to really be a healer (or at least facilitator of healing), yet now, gulp, now, I’m embarrassed to say, perhaps in truth, Spirit was trying to find a technique, book, or person that’d actually speak to me. Maybe I was really the reason I had to learn so many techniques, so I might actually embark on my own healing journey, instead of shoving my wounds aside in my quest to become the healer “I was meant to be”.
Cringe.
Oh yes. The moment I had in university when I blurted out “I’m a healer, and I walk through you like Jesus,”, might have been more correctly interpreted as “I want to be a healer, and I want to be like Jesus,” but my slightly high (with week) self, said those words, and took them as truth.
Shame aside, I'm relieved to have had it confirmed that it is indeed my path to work as a facilitator of healing and change for people. However, despite my my soul’s fate, I've felt the sting of remorse at my being in such denial of the wounds I was carrying, yet it is indeed our way to face only that which we can, until we're ready for another aspect of ourself to come to light to integrate.
I can feel a softness around this realisation, and where there was once a jabbing sting of my self-loathing and shame as I had realisations, now I can feel the gentle energy of presence, observation and relief at being able to see my shadow parts and no longer need to cover them up or beat them up. Rather, letting these hidden aspects have a voice to share what it’s holding on to, and letting the light in, to engulf and heal these parts.
In the past, I’d have shut down for weeks, or even months when seeing something ungainly in myself, shunning social contact, whereas now, I’m able to journal, check within to see what parts are emerging and what they’d like to share, and let them have the time to integrate, whilst moving back into life again.
Flashbacks, a very real overlaid reality and energy dump when we’re triggered has been something I’ve gotten used to as parts of my soul come back online and let them selves be known. The trick is to acknowledge to myself and remember as quickly as possible it’s not the entirely of myself, just a cloud on the sky, covering the sun for a moment, until such a time as the part comes back to peace.
What was the looking glass I've gone through, I ask myself?
The veneer of my perfectionist spiritual-ego self. It took some doing to release the oodles of shame just beneath that surface, but I’m glad to say I feel like I'm there. If the biggest achievement of 2024 year is to swallow that part whole, love the crap out of it, and all the parts that were getting strangled as a result, then this year has been a good one. Despite the many tests, I’m glad.
Thank you 2024. Like a good wine, it will probably be best enjoyed a few years after the harvest when the lessons have sunk in, and the fruits of my labours can be enjoyed.
How has your year been? Have you released? Created? Integrated? Have you faced something epic on a personal, spiritual or professional level? How has that been for you?
I’d love to hear what you’ve been through this year, either through a comment or a personal message, as this 8 year has shown so much love and so much challenge yet on balance, it’s been expansive and as always, I’ve come home to myself again and again and again! Let me know!
So much love to you, and see you in the New year!
Caroline Mary x
PS If you’d like to work with me, I have 1-2-1 spaces and will be opening up Ascension Alignment Mastery in January, my group coaching container, so do reach out if you’d like to join me.
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